Sometime in October last year, I had an epiphany. I’d been depressed and on antidepressants for 6 months by then, and had spent the majority of my life indoors. This was due to the “incurable” physical health issues (Neurocardiogenic syncope, as mentioned in previous blog posts). This epiphany came one particularly low day. I finally reached a point where I had had enough. I lay on the floor a literally cried out to God. I told him what he already knew; I was desperate not to feel depressed, sad, bitter, and wanting a new body and life anymore. I was fed up with feeling that way and didn’t know how to escape from that darkness and so I surrendered, and did the last thing I knew to do. In the following few weeks, i managed to muster the strength to pick up my bible, start doing devotionals. I used You version and after the first week of forcing myself to do these, I eventually completed them. I then began reading book, had on my shelf for, like, three years and never got round to reading- like the many others i have on the shelf! This one ‘Healing toxic emotions’. Well, as the week went on i heard God speaking to me through the book, clearer and clearer, it was like the author wrote it for me! Here’s just a few choice paragraphs;
“There are adversities you have to go through, and if you allow Him, God is with you in the process. The bible teaches this over and over. It doesn’t say you’ll go around the fire, you’ll miss the fire or get raptured from it. No, it says you’ll go through the fire, but you won’t get burned.” (Isleib)
“If we are going to receive healing, the first breakthrough will have to come in the area of denial. Sometimes it takes a while to break the denial mindset, because if we are living in denial, we’re in fear. We fear what might be underneath our denial and don’t want to face it. Why? Because some of what we are hiding will be difficult to handle emotionally. But you must go there, and God wants you to go there so he can heal your toxic emotions and give you an abundant, wholesome life” (Isleib)
WOW!! Thanks Lord! So as hindsight goes…and as the weeks went on I heard his voice from behind the door getting louder as i began to open it again! Thank you Lord for knocking and waiting for me! (There will be a blog on Revelation 3.20 at some stage too, so keep an eye out if your interested.)
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20 NIV
But, as i drew closer to God and began sincerely asking for His help, the more i began to accept the diagnosis i’d been given. As i said before, when we pray God’s response will be one of 3 things; Yes, No or Wait. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point in realising that His answer to my prayers of healing is in fact wait and it is in this waiting we learn to accept this waiting. The epiphany i spoke about earlier was that of “I don’t want to feel like this anymore, and i won’t, but God, i need your help, thank you!”
As i began to let the light in the darkness started to creep away, like the light when you turn a light on in a dark room, the dark disappears from it and the easier it became to accept what is. I learnt to accept that; –It’s actually OK not to be OK -We can and will have questions -We live in a fallen world -Anxiety and depression are not weaknesses -Struggling doesn’t mean you’ve failed -You are human -God loves you
A new word which i heard recently and want to share is: ‘Flawsome‘, which means that even though you have flaws you are awesome and you are wonderful. So, like the song from the greatest showman, ‘This is Me,’ accept you for being you because, you know what?
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139.14 and we “can do all this through Him who strengthens [us]” Philippians 4.13
There are no strong people in this world but we can be strong in and with God. And through the Holy Spirit we can still enjoy God’s Peace and Joy despite what our circumstances and situations are. Thank you for that Lord!