Two years ago on September 30,2021 was one of the hardest days of my life. See on September 30, 2019 is when I got the news that one of my Christian friends committed suicide. There is still pain, shock, and sting even years later. I remember this friend as happy, friendly, outgoing, and a light to my life and this world. I still don’t understand what caused him to take his own life. I admit I still question what I could have done differently in our relationship to make him realize he was not alone and could always talk to me with how he was really doing. It made me realize that so many people myself included decide to stay quiet and suffer in silence and alone. I am so tired of the façade of saying and acting like I am fine, and everything is good when in reality I am struggling with so much pain internally. It is time to stop lying to ourselves and to others.

I totally can imagine and understand a little about the despair that this young man and friend of mine must have been in to actually commit suicide and think that was the only option. That is because I have struggled with suicidal thoughts my whole life. In fact, back in August of this year during the final weekend of the Summer Olympics was one of those times for me. You see the funeral for my grandma that died in December was approaching quickly. The funeral took place on August 20, and my grandma was who I considered my safe person and ally. I was in so much pain trying to process my grief around her dying is that all I could think about was being with her again. I had so much pain and despair that for the first time in my life I took the suicidal thoughts so far that I had actually made a plan on how to take my own life the final Friday night of the Olympics and the first Monday or Tuesday after the Olympics ended I started writing a suicide note. There was even a night that I cried for 26 straight minutes.

There are a few things that I have learned through my experiences with suicide loss and suicidal thoughts and admitting to having the struggles. The main lesson I learned was I was not alone and didn’t have to suffer in silence or alone anymore. Another lesson learned was that I have so many people that truly do care about me and are touched by my life. I also learned that if I was honest with how I was really done my support system of friends was willing to listen to me and talk to me. The final lesson I learned is that even though I am told by my parents that others have it worse than you, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be sad and angry at the circumstances you have.

You might be wondering what made me decide to keep living and going. Well, there are several things that have kept me going. The first was reaching out to my therapist for another appointment before the funeral and admitting to her my thoughts, and how bad it had gotten. I also admitted to her how afraid I was to tell her that I actually had made a plan and started writing a suicide note. She talked me through it and explained to me when she would call the authorities. That made me feel better. Another thing that kept me from actually committing suicide was talking with other friends via messenger. I also listened to Christian music at the height of my despair. I remembered too how much pain, shock and sting was left behind from my friend that committed suicide and how long that pain lasts after a suicide. I did not want to put my family and friends through that.

I have learned since these experiences that you touch so many more people’s lives than you realize. You are needed, you are worthy, you are an inspiration, keep fighting, and always go for your dreams. There are people that care. Reach out to others if you are struggling.